Report from the Ivy
13 f e b r u a r y 1 9 9 8
Dean Stan Hope Murdered; Culprits
by Sham Ersatz '99
A semi-formal dinner in Princeton University's Chancellor Green Hall turned bloody Friday night when four fatal stab wounds ended the short tenure of new Dean of Student Life Stan Hope. What started as a normal Class of 1999 - sponsored event collapsed into chaos when a woman dressed in a tiger mascot costume rushed into the dining area and shot Hope through the brain. This first wound was not fatal because no vital organs were hit. Lt. Michael Dorsey, NYPD, used lethal force to subdue the assailant, later identified as hired assassin, Alexandra Hall. Hall was a part-time Princeton junior and professional low-life.
Dorsey, on a work-exchange program with the Princeton University Department of Public Safety, quickly cordoned off the area and began collecting evidence and questioning suspects. No guest was above suspicion, including in loco grandparentis, Bob Kress '49, who admitted that a bottle of Stud Pills in Hall's possession were his.
Dinner continued with the main course, but the calm was shattered by a second attempt on Hall's life. A hospital gown-clad Hall stumbled into the dining area, holding a letter that revealed a number of "less than professional" relationships with six Princeton coeds. An unseen gunman punctuated this revelation with a bullet through Hall's groin. Again, Hall survived because no vital organs were hit.
Princeton Police Special Agent Kelly Desmond escorted Hall to McCosh Infirmary, but Hall soon returned. This time he collapsed with four fatal stab wounds in his back. Dorsey entreated the guests for help in solving this mysterious murder. Carin Lundquist '99, Cathy Gilbert '99, and Anastacia Rohrman '99 shed some light on this case, but it was Jeffrey Skaar '99, Ace Detective, who was instrumental in bringing the killers to justice.
Hall's death was the result of a four-person conspiracy exacted in revenge because of Hall's alleged involvement in the DUI slaying of a female Princeton graduate exactly one year earlier. The conspirators were the slain woman's twin sister Anita Bush, who recently married Hall; Mac Clean '69, the woman's widowed husband; and the woman's two daughters, freshman hostess Rebecca Fitzrandolph and Special Agent Desmond. All four attempted to flee the scene at gunpoint, but Dorsey efficiently gunned them down. No one else was injured in the exchange.
When asked to comment, Class President Grace Maa '99, apparently overcome by the stress of planning an otherwise successful dinner party, was somewhat disoriented and unable to determine even what day of the week it was. Another witness, who wished to remain nameless, said, "Murder? What murder? All I know is the food was really good. DDS catering rules!"
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Mac Clean '69 collapsed and died on Ms. Maa, ruining her desert. He graciously apologized via email. -ed.
It is with some regret and vast apologies
I had the very poor judgment to accept an
unwarranted fusillade of bullets from
Detective Dorsey on Friday night and collapsed
into the chair you were occupying.
I believe the weapon I had concealed
up until that point found it's way
into your desert.
Had Detective Dory missed
I would have plugged him for the
benefit of the Class of 1999
but the sunglasses I was wearing
within the confines of Chancellor Green Hall
obscured both my sight and
As an imaginary graduate of Princeton
Class of 69
I wish to extend my congratulations in your
general direction and thank you for hosting
a wonderful time.
Peace, Love and Munitions,
Mac Clean '69
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