| The Killing Kompany Diaries |  |
Report from the Ivy
League
13 f e b r u a r y 1 9 9 8
Dean Stan Hope Murdered; Culprits
Killed
by Sham Ersatz '99 
A semi-formal dinner in Princeton University's Chancellor Green
Hall turned bloody Friday night when four fatal stab wounds ended
the short tenure of new Dean of Student Life Stan Hope. What
started as a normal Class of
1999 - sponsored event collapsed into
chaos when a woman dressed in a tiger mascot costume rushed into
the dining area and shot Hope through the brain. This first wound
was not fatal because no vital organs were hit. Lt. Michael
Dorsey, NYPD, used lethal force to subdue the assailant, later
identified as hired assassin, Alexandra Hall. Hall was a
part-time Princeton junior and professional low-life.
Dorsey, on a work-exchange program with the Princeton University
Department of Public Safety, quickly cordoned off the area and
began collecting evidence and questioning suspects. No guest was
above suspicion, including in loco grandparentis, Bob Kress '49,
who admitted that a bottle of Stud Pills in Hall's possession
were his.
Dinner continued with the main course, but the calm was shattered
by a second attempt on Hall's life. A hospital gown-clad Hall
stumbled into the dining area, holding a letter that revealed a
number of "less than professional" relationships with
six Princeton coeds. An unseen gunman punctuated this revelation
with a bullet through Hall's groin. Again, Hall survived because
no vital organs were hit.
Princeton Police Special Agent Kelly Desmond escorted Hall to
McCosh Infirmary, but Hall soon returned. This time he collapsed
with four fatal stab wounds in his back. Dorsey entreated the
guests for help in solving this mysterious murder. Carin
Lundquist '99, Cathy Gilbert '99, and Anastacia Rohrman '99 shed
some light on this case, but it was Jeffrey Skaar '99, Ace
Detective, who was instrumental in bringing the killers to
justice.
Hall's death was the result of a four-person conspiracy exacted
in revenge because of Hall's alleged involvement in the DUI
slaying of a female Princeton graduate exactly one year earlier.
The conspirators were the slain woman's twin sister Anita Bush,
who recently married Hall; Mac Clean '69, the woman's widowed
husband; and the woman's two daughters, freshman hostess Rebecca Fitzrandolph and
Special Agent Desmond. All four attempted to flee the scene at
gunpoint, but Dorsey efficiently gunned them down. No one else
was injured in the exchange.
When asked to comment, Class President Grace Maa '99, apparently
overcome by the stress of planning an otherwise successful dinner
party, was somewhat disoriented and unable to determine even what
day of the week it was. Another witness, who wished to remain
nameless, said, "Murder? What murder? All I know is the food
was really good. DDS catering rules!"
Next Diary Entry
Mac Clean '69 collapsed and died on Ms. Maa, ruining her desert. He graciously apologized via email. -ed.
It is with some regret and vast apologies
I confess
I had the very poor judgment to accept an
unwarranted fusillade of bullets from
Detective Dorsey on Friday night and collapsed
uninvited
into the chair you were occupying.
I believe the weapon I had concealed
up until that point found it's way
into your desert.
Had Detective Dory missed
I would have plugged him for the
benefit of the Class of 1999
but the sunglasses I was wearing
within the confines of Chancellor Green Hall
obscured both my sight and
my judgment.
As an imaginary graduate of Princeton
Class of 69
I wish to extend my congratulations in your
general direction and thank you for hosting
a wonderful time.
Peace, Love and Munitions,
Mac Clean '69